I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
