halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
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