My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
