Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
