god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
