Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
