she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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