I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
