she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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