Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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