your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
