took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
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