So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Randomize
