I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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