Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
