i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
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