i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
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