after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
