he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
