theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
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