He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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