my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
my liver is dry heaving
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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