So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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