They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Randomize
