At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
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