I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
