you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
