By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
