I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
