I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
