you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
