A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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