Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Randomize
