All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
You dont lie about slip and slides
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
