I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Randomize
