Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
This is not my ceiling
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
