1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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