I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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