she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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