So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize
