I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
I don't think your that much of a whore. your like a whore-let. a mini whore.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
