I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
