Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
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