why didn't you poke me back
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
