3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
