Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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