You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
