is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
