my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
