history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
