Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
