Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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