Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Randomize
