Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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